Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Am I Blogging As My True Self?

IMAGE : THE MOTHER LOAD | Am I Blogging As My True Self?
I've been asking myself this question quite a lot lately. 

Am I really blogging as my true self?

This question has been bugging me in recent times, niggling away at the creative side of my brain which most of the time also doubles as my harshest critic. Truthfully, the answer is that I'm no longer sure. Maybe I am but I feel a bit of a disconnection to my own story lately and the words aren't flowing quite so freely. I feel like maybe I'm censoring myself a bit? This might be because I'm going through a few life changes; not the type of changes that see me driving a red sports car and shouting hormonal obscenities at random strangers, but more the kind of lifestyle changes that flip your world upside down while you hang on by your fingernails and hope for the best. More about that later.

I suspect that for me, there are a couple of reasons for this recent self-imposed censorship.  Perhaps it's because part of these life changes involve other people whose stories aren't for me to share? I've always professed that not everyone in my life signed up for this 'oversharing' debacle that is The Mother Load, and I still try and ensure I enforce my own rules around this.  Also, I think the more people that show interest in my writing who I actually know personally, the more sensitive I've become to what I'm writing about, out of fear of being too exposed and appearing vulnerable. Not sure about that one, but maybe...?  If that's true, that's pretty ridiculous for someone like me who spends a lot of time in the online space, isn't it? What a contradiction. It seems I'm diluting what I share and that's kinda stupid because that's not why I started The Mother Load in the first place. I didn't start blogging for recognition or any kind of pat on the back. I started this journey to collect my own thoughts - good or bad and also for the benefit of any readers who at some point might take something away from whatever they've read here, perhaps improving their own journey. Maybe finding the balance between the written word and personal sharing is just a little trickier than I imagined when there's an audience loyally subscribing to whatever words are coming next?

So I need to get back to some genuine, real writing. And I will! I just need to get over my own insecurities about being personally judged and appearing vulnerable. I am vulnerable! Aren't we all? You can't be a personal blogger without judgement or some kind of vulnerability, right?  Surely, it's par for the course. A personal blogger who's not particularly personal? Seems pretty stoopid really.

Anyway, there's soooo much to natter about! Anyone who knows me will agree that I'm rarely short of a word! I'm sure the place I'm at right now could use a bit of downloading - I'm convinced the words will come when I remove my self-imposed gag and when the time is right. 

Sooo..thanks for listening. Oh and by the way, it's great to have you here (if you're indeed still hanging in). The echo in the room grows less prominent with every new reader who joins a blogger on their journey of ups and downs, and for those who have hung around with me so far and who plan to stay a bit longer, you are totally awesome. 


  1. Oh i love this post. But then again, I love all your writing. And I can especially relate to this one. I find the more vulnerability I show as a blogger, the more connections I make. Naturally I censor some parts of my life, particularly when it involves others, but I like to be open for the most part. Allow yourself to be exposed and write from the heart. I know we'll all be better off for reading it xx

  2. Been there, wrote that post, and still not sure I am fully back from what I once blogged. But I wanted you to know you are not alone with these kind of dilemmas. Just remember, there are no rules to blogging, so just write what you want to write for others to read and the rest can be written in your own diary.

    1. Such great advice, Claire. And it's nice to know it's not just me who struggles with this dilemma (among others). Thanks for your comment.

  3. Still waiting for every post Sophie. Keep it coming! And please don't think of your old GM as someone who is going to send back your blog with any spelling mishaps circled in red. I delight in reading your thoughts and insights. You keep me connected to a wider world than my own. You help me cross generations from mine, to yours and then to the next.
    Telephone calls are nice and immediate but blogs and letters give me something to think about, to savor.